I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
the condom got lost in my hair
It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Randomize
