Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
Randomize
