her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
