I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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