I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
