You don't have asthma, your pregnant
In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
