My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
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