Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
Randomize
