watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
she was licking his armpits.
asian porn is just fucking weird. End of story.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
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