he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize
