Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
Randomize
