my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
if i died would you start the facebook group?
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
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