Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
