I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
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