I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
Randomize
