just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
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