Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
I love you.
Bad choice
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
