I can tuck mytits in my pants
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
Randomize