I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
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