I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
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