you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
what the fuck happened to the tacos
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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