I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
