I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Randomize
