I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
Randomize
