My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came
i love that song!
NOT THE POINT
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
Randomize
