Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
