I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
First time not coming to this class high in a month and a half, never again will i put myself thru this torture
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
