and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
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