and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize
