He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
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