Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
You work out of a Hotel?
week 6 of class: i have yet to go to spanish sober. i love being THAT girl.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
