How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
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