Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
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