when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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