Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
idk why but i just wanna to have sex with the idea of him. i don't even wanna meet him.
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Randomize
