I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
