I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
I dont think problem is the right word. Problems arent something you enjoy. Life would be too boring without gambling.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Randomize
