I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Randomize
