After last night, I could never be a politician.
im officially scared..,i finally realized who my boyfriend reminds me of! spencer pratt
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Randomize
