Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Randomize
