The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
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