have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Randomize
