I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Randomize
