so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
barbara walters just said penis...
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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