Ok seriously, can we bring back badminton?
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
Randomize
