Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
last night we were hooking up when all the sudden he just murmured "mm blonde". i don't know what to think about this situation.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
