There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
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