No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
Randomize
