I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
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