Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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