Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
last night I used snow as a chaser
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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