I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
