woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
Randomize
