He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
if only i could text you this smell
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
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