I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Randomize
