winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
I take back everything I said about communal showers
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
